IN A WORLD CONSISTING OF CLOSE TO 7 BILLION INDIVIDUAL FATES, WHOEVER CARES ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO ONE MAN?
I seriously don’t know what to make of this. What on the face of the Earth have I done to deserve this? It must be something. It must be the fact that I care too much about other people’s multi billion dollar businesses. Especially in terms of the carbon dioxide emissions that come as a result of other people’s businesses. I should care more about the people whose business is closer to a couple of dollars a day, I guess. This must be it. But not quite it? Because it must be more to it than this? I’m lost for words. It’s a long story, dear lawyer. Are you there?
Darras (my good lawyer, always at rest inside the left part of my brain, stuck inside there, like a microchip implant): “I’m here.”
I’m in instant need of help here. It’s not like I’ve got a good reputation to care for, but still.
“Okay?”
To tell you the truth, my reputation is a bit so-and-so, and especially as concerns the women.
“The women, eh?”
The women, that’s right. It’s a sad case. It seems as if they love to put me in awkward situations from time to time, and then they invariably decide to hate me forever after. A television loon just said it on the screen. It was a film. “Taxi Driver.” And this fellow said women was like a union, and it freaked him out.
“Okay? How do you take your tea?”
Lots of suger, a slice of lemon, and no salt, if you please?
“Salt?!”
No salt for me.
“Okay. There’ll be tears enough on the top of your cup, is that what you’re telling me?”
No way. Well, possibly not. You see the whole thing started back in 2003. All of a sudden a bunch of young women turned up into my life. I was a happy man back then, as you might expect. Problem was these two young women. Oh shit. Now, I wrote a whole book about them. A long one. And a very angry one, as that. Written in a style that was rather Greek, a little African, and then a little Nordic, too. I had come to conclude that all women were out to get me, and I grew terribly afraid of women. I stayed out of their way for quite some time. Several years, to tell you the truth. This whole shitty situation was all a spiritual thing, and I guess it still is. It has to do with my knowledge of the maths that can explain the population explosion. But that’s a long story indeed, and you shall have to ask God Almighty to explain it for me in detail. But we don’t hold much fate in the decision of Gods, now do we? But Acts of God exist in the American legal system. I read about it once. But this is not America, and therefore I can only conclude that all hope is lost.
“No, you’re wrong. All hope is not lost. Your chance is not exactly fat, though.”
You’re supposed to cheer me up.
“Oh? Am I now? That I did not know. But okay: if you want me to be anything less than loyal to honesty, I can always …”
No, no, no.
“Good. Please proceed.”
I stayed away from women for almost three-and-a-half years, and then a woman named Grønning got me introduced to an Angel named Nunu. She was irresistable. She was indeed quite eager to be with me, and we could talk about everything and she promised to help and take care of me, and everything was just nice and cosy for a couple of weeks, and then I started to think. I know I should have done that for a long time already, but as I said, she came like an Angel. And disappeared.
“She disappeared?”
Oh yes. And, well, the story is too green to be told, really. You see, the name Grønning is a Norwegian word translating to “green thing”, and the woman’s name — Nunu — foreign as it is, can be read as a funny Norwegian term, meaning “Now, now!”
“Eh.”
Yes. Eh. And you see, this is the story of my life, too. There’s too many “eh” instances in this life I am leading, I’m sorry to say. It feels as if the family of humanity just lost me, but that I was ”found” by God Almighty, and for this simple reason I was excommunicated from the society of humans. It’s never going to be easy, I suppose. The story of my life is just too good to be true, that’s all. But as it happens, I can’t believe that it isn’t happening for a reason if you know what I mean?
“So what happened between you and that woman?”
I don’t know.
“You don’t know? Which kind of answer is that?”
I don’t know. She fell for me, then I fell for her, and then one thing led to another, and I could do nothing except think of my family. What my family would think about this. As I had aready been diagnosed with HIV, but I can still remember how this diagnosis was presented to me, by a Swedish doctor named Dickson (funny name), as “good news” in terms of my being advised to apply for a disability pension. It would be much easier to get this pension if I applied for it on account of a physical condition, and not exclusively on account of mental or psychological problems. As a matter of fact, Dr. Dickson had a hard time signing my journal, it looked as if he was afraid of the pen, and as it turned out, he simply had to say this thing to me only in order to become able to lift the pen off the table and sign the paper. He said it very quickly, stared at me, picked up the pen an signed the document. It was a very confusing situation. I told the doctor that he looked as if he was in one hell of a Pontius Pilatus situation, for short. — I was thinking as much on account of the fact that the Easter holidays were recently over and done with.
“So you are not infected with the HIV virus, is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
Yes. That’s it. I have every reason to believe that the diagnosis is a hoax. As it happens, after I told Nunu about my diagnosis, and she left straight away, the whole health care system of this wretched country has been acting strangely. They have re-tested me for the HIV virus two times. First in Bergen, then in Haugesund. A Norwegian doctor working in the little town of Haugesund informed me that “if I believed Swedish doctors in particular were out to get me, I might be right about that.” Now, what kind of thing is that? This doctor was absolutely right, of course. Almost all of the doctors that have had anything to do with the HIV diagnosis have been Swedish. A head count leaves me with four Swedish, one Icelandic, and only one Norwegian doctor. And that last doctor informed me that I was free to believe that he lied to me. Another strange thing to say, don’t you think?! I should think so, but hell: whatever happens, happens. Doesn’t it?
“Yeah.”
Now, when I was hospitalized in Bodø in September 2007, one of the nurses told me that “my HIV infection did not appear on my journal” and that the hospital required another test. Having been through this ordeal two times before in the duration of the summer, I declined. After an hour, the nurse came back and told me that the infection was now confirmed. This was back in September 2007, and since then I have been forced to meet with some Swedish doctors working at what used to be called “the infection unit” but has been renamed to “the pain unit” of the local hospital here: doctors who do not hesitate to spend a quarter of an hour lying between their teeth simply in order to protect the integrity of a hospital system which of course is supposed be flawless, keep telling me that my t-cell count is looking great and that I do not need medication, and acting as if I have never been informed about my real condition, which is one of being framed in the most horrific way possible: doomed to live with the fact that there’s an official truth and an unofficial truth in circulation here, as concerns that diagnosis which makes the dream of a future love life appear more like a nightmare than anything else. And I wonder what it feels like, doing the dirty work of a system gone evil. — This is torture. This is grotesque. This macabre. And this is my life, for God’s sake. It sucks bad! And I think if I am the only person who feels that this shit is a bit too strange, then please! Take a moment and think about it. How would you feel about it, if it happened to you?
“Impossible. Hm. I mean: that would be unimaginable.”
Yes. And that’s the thing. There is nothing I can do to prove any of this. The system cares for the people inside the system, and I cannot believe that they are ever going to feel even the slightest bit bad about what the system is doing to me, chronically, methodically, and relentlessly so. But I’ve told my family all that has happened to me here, as concerns the way five different hospitals have treated my HIV diagnosis, and it sure sounds as if I am delusional. So I’ve lost my family to the truth. It was too much to handle, so they now know for certain that I’m permanently insane. I’m starting to think the same. I’m finding it extremely difficult to talk straight. Especially to doctors of medicine, psychiatrists, therapists, nurses, and social workers. I believe they are all in on the same conspiracy. I don’t trust them. And I hate them for of the fact that they’re doing all this to me.
“I see.”
You do? Then please! Tell me what you see.
“It’s impossible. Your story sure sounds like a transcript of a short story written by Franz Kafka. I appreciate that you’re telling the truth though. It’s just that none of this can ever happen in a civilized country like Norway.”
You go it.
“So your story falls on the reasonability criterion. What has happened to you — if at all true — defies all definitions of good reason. So I can easily understand that you’re in trouble, that’s all. But I don’t believe anyone can do anything about that, really. Your story is unreasonable to the point of disbelief.”
I know. And this is my problem. I am not even supposed to stand up for myself. The story is too impossible, so rather than making a big deal out of this, I am expected to swallow it up and just learn to live with it. Learn to live with an HIV diagnosis that is fake, but treated as official health policy on my part, no matter what I might think about it. If you knew what that feels like! My God, I wish they would come and shoot me instead.
“That I can understand.”
Well, here I am, hospitalized with severe psycho-social problems, and feeling like an idiot for the fact that I’m in need of the system’s help to deal with psychological, social, and spiritual problems that the system itself, in close co-operation with my country’s culture, which I have never understood anyway, has caused me to suffer. — So what am I supposed to do? Commit suicide or something?!!
“Maybe.”
What’s it?
“Maybe. Your story makes you a freak of nature, you see. If I might put it like that. Now, most human beings hate freaks of nature, and do so on account of basic instinct. I don’t know how to say this, to tell you the truth. As a matter of fact, maybe you should have died a couple of years ago, or more, and that you’re already a ghost?”
Or a zombie.
“That’s right. And there is not much anyone can do about that.”
They could try out a policy of being honest to me. Completely honest, I mean. And see what might happen then.
“You’re dreaming.”
I know that. But it’s this dream that makes me not go and lie myself down on the railway line, as will be my method of suicide, if that’s my destiny. Now, the not so funny part is: an old and long gone friend of mine, who lives in the same community as my mother does, told me straight out that I am going to kill myself. He may be in possession of prophetic abilities, who knows?
“You know.”
Yes, I know.
“So what do you know?”
I know that I’m like something out of the Prophecies of Ezechiel, that’s what I know. — And if it is my destiny to play that part, it only means that I’m going to have to tell my true story, if not for any other reason than to warn all the children of this world against taking a walk in my shoes, when their time comes. As that’s damned dangerous. Yes, deadly.
“I see.”
Now, there’s only one question that hugs me. In a country with less than 5 million people, whoever would believe that the Ministry of Health and Social Security would assist in making one man’s life a living hell? In a small country such as this, who would believe that five different hospitals spread across the country would join together in the easy and simple task of driving one man insane? As it is, I can only say that this is the case. As if the HIV diagnosis was not with me, I would certainly live in a loving relationship in Haugesund, together with Nunu, and my entire family would be standing behind me like they should. Now, this is where things are turning fishy, of course. There is no way for me to prove my point. The system has decided to go evil on me, and it only means that these evil doctors will continue to treat me as an HIV/AIDS patient, and that the crazy things they’ve said and otherwise communicated to me remain unofficial and invalid in the real world. This is torture. Psychological torture. But who cares?
“It’s quite complicated, though?”
Oh, it is! Between insanity and sanity there is a thin line. And no one would readily believe that any of this shit might happen, even in theory! So long as this is the case, and what’s actually happening to me simply keeps happening, no matter what I might think about it, I guess I’d better shut up about it, hide it inside myself and greet the world with a solemn smile on my face. And not stand up for myself. And not be the moaning machine that I have been portrayed as. And just accept it, like a fool. But I’m not a fool. I’m an internet idiot, and I have signed a pact with my inner self to always be as honest as I can possibly be. Nothing else seems to work, so. Well. Anyway. The truth is out there.
“It is.”
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If you want to know what it is like to be working under a system that has gone evil on the world, you should definitely read up on Steve Milgram’s psychological experiment, linked below.
– http://home.swbell.net/revscat/perilsOfObedience.html
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This little piece of prose concerning my daily life as a psychiatric patient in Bodø, has been e-mailed to the Government’s Service Center and the Department of Health and Social Security, using these e-mail addresses: redaksjonen@dss.dep.no and postmottak@hod.dep.no